Walking on Sunshine

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

Sometimes I feel like a cold and heartless monster.

Grieving for Heidi, is both a blessing and constant reminder of my moral dilemma.

I really did not know Heidi very well, but that doesn't mean she didn't touch me. It has been amazing to see iCan grow in the last 2.5+ years. I remember Heidi talking with Bethany that first day, and yes, her positive, yet determined, attitude even before iCan went online was contagious.

Why do I feel like a monster?

I have blood relatives who have died and are dying now, who I know I will never feel loving grief over losing. My father's mother died in early January 1996, but I didn't find out until nearly a month later. Honestly, it didn't matter. I had only seen her twice in the previous 15 years. Plus, my memories were not kind.

According to my mother, her father is dying. I really do not know the man, nor does he know me; even as a child, he never knew our names (my sister was Krissy or Kristy, not Kristina, and I was Shelly or Shirley, never Sheila.) He would have never recognized us walking down the street. At the age of 15, I was completely disowned by my maternal grandparents in 1986 for telling my grandmother off. (They had come to visit, the first and ONLY time, and stayed a week. My grandmother sat there insulting my father, "he's a bum," and my parents' marriage, "their marriage will never last" [by then, my parents had been married 22 years!], etc. I got fed up and told my grandmother that she was in my father's house and she would NOT insult him there, or in front of me, again.

Less than three days into their 8-day visit, my grandparents quit talking to me (and my grandmother shut up, too.) I have seen them only once since then, at a family function in 1997, and they not only ignored me, but they completely ignored Rick and Cody, too. My grandfather refused to shake Rick's hand when they were introduced, and my grandmother simply walked away.

I have been estranged from my own parents for several years now, and my mother does not have best credibility record, so her claims about her father are highly suspect. To be honest though, I wish the man no ill will, but I have no desire to know either way.

I sometimes wonder if I have a moral obligation to feel some kind of personal sorrow? In recent years, I have grieved from my heart over the death of a best friend, Rick's grandma (who I loved dearly) and Heidi. I have felt much sorrow over deaths of people I didn't know, like those involved in the Sept. 11 tragedies.

I have been told that I owe my blood relatives more, if only because of the saying, "Blood is thicker than water." Interestingly, that logic defies me. Maybe because I know more?

Nina, Gramma and Heidi...I feel grief, I feel sorrow, I wailed at my own personal God at our difference in opinion. I mourn many tragedies, whether big or small.

I really hope I am not a cold and heartless monster.

Sunshine - Walking on Sunshine - 11/13/2001 07:31:00 AM